STOP! by Karen Harper

My husband proceeds cautiously when I start a conversation with, “I wouldn’t ordinarily ask you this question, but you are the only one here.” He knows it’s going to be out of his comfort zone, but he is very good about humoring me. So I asked, “Why is it that you can assist one person and they will use your help to get on their feet, while others will use your help to stay off their feet?”

He countered, “You mean like people who get welfare?” Public assistance wasn’t really what I had in mind, but his model carried the logic I was seeking. I nodded encouragingly and he shared his opinion that it is a mindset one generation passes on to the next. If that is all you know, you are going to follow that behavior pattern until something causes you to break it or someone breaks it for you.

I took his point and began to imagine the vast array of things that could be pattern interrupters: a change of fortune, values, desire or need; a new opportunity or a new way of thinking; the failure of the behavior to deliver, or the inability of the person to enact the behavior. The list grew long. And once an alternative behavior is perceived, there is still resistance to change. Personally, I am convinced there is also fear of choosing. Maybe it is the same thing as fear of commitment. One could make the wrong choice—EEK!

All this came up because of discomfort I feel around circumstances I feel many others may relate to. I find myself in a quandary when a homeless person approaches me on the street, or when someone I know lays their needs before me and I am uncomfortable with what it may cost me to respond as they wish. Occasionally this disturbance registers as full blown resentment, and I don’t like feeling that way. Considering that they are just acting out a behavior they were indoctrinated into does free me to respond from a place that is not emotionally loaded.

I began to review my customary internal dialogue from this new position. “Do they want to get well, or do they want to get welfare?” Yes, it’s a judgment, but not a condemning one. Rather an enabling one if sound judgment helps me determine the best course of action. They put the ball in my court; I play it.

“They’ve told me what they want from me; what do they want for me?” After all, we are both going to be affected by the proposed action. Chances are they have not thought of, and cannot know how I may be impacted, but they do not wish me ill. I have to be the one who takes my interest into consideration along with theirs.

“What is equivalent to fish, and what is equivalent to teaching someone to fish, in this situation? Do I have the capacity to give either?” So many questions! No easy answers!! It requires thoughtful attention in the moment, and that is the magic of it. It triggers the pregnant pause.

I used to have ‘stock answers’ (often lies) for these situations and certain strategies like don’t stop walking, don’t make eye contact, feign distraction, etcetera, but I have come to realize what that cost me. Now I can readily visualize a new response. I can STOP, and give a moment of attention to this other living soul who brings me a moment of truth – my truth. This person just held a mirror to my face, so I can see how I like myself. Ergh, and aha! The birth of a new intention!

I can hear myself speaking in my real voice now, “I see you doing what you know to do to help yourself. I do the same.” That may be followed by “My answer is no,” or “What I can do is ____.” Either way I have given something to my truth bringer and myself—honesty, regard and goodwill. I foresee this may not always go swimmingly. I may get accusatory words or actions if the person is not getting what they want from me. They may, however, be getting what they need; I am certainly getting something I need from them.